the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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