Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
