Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
