do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
