Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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