If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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