doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
