his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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