It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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