My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
