my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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