Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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