I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize