Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
