If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
