your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
