Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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