His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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