nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize