There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
