saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
