I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize