No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
