I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
