ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
not ubering you a puppy
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
