Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
