Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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