Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
