mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
