Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
