Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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