I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
