so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
