Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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