i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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