New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
