8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
if only i could text you this smell
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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