I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
