I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
