Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
