There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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