Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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