I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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