The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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