I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
