I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
