look no pants
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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