what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
