i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
