Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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