I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
