I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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