I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
