Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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