I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
