I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
