Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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