Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
