he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my poor anus
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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