I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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