I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize