Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
